Three steps forward, two steps back.

ust a few days before Justin left I picked up a new stash of super colorful alpaca and bamboo yarn. It was definitely a splurge but I knew that it would be something fun and new to work on and occupy my mind in these first few days/weeks.
Now, it's not as if I don't already have about 5 unfinished projects going on already--and I am making slow progress on them--but I hit a roadblock on this one project in particular that really frustrated me, so I shifted gears from knitting on that one to starting a crochet baby blanket in my new yarn.
I love crochet for many reasons, one of which being how quickly it works up. I only sat down with this blanket maybe three or four nights for a couple of hours to get this far, and I guess I got so wrapped up in enjoying the mindlessness of it that it's taken me this long to realize I made the blanket way too wide for a baby blanket. I tend to do that...my blankets are always gargantuan. I was tempted to just keep going on this one and have it be a regular throw, but with the yarn being so pricey and my original intent for it to be for the baby's room, I'm going to go ahead and take it all back apart.
The past couple of days have felt like that in more than one way. I have been keeping myself busy and getting some good things done, but somewhere mid afternoon or evening time I sometimes hit a wall. I guess it's when I get tired enough to really sit down and stop to think, but sometimes I'm overwhelmed by the amount of things to do around the house, and by my fresh feelings of loneliness. It's not crippling or anything, and I do feel like I'm making progress, but like the blanket, I sometimes feel I've taken three steps forward only to have to take two back. Still, that's one up for the day and that's not bad.
It's hard for me to grasp that tomorrow will be August. That means I've got a bit over two months until the new little one arrives, and that's a tiny bit stress-making. Her room is a catch-all for toys and diapers and the crib is full to the brim of junk I needed out of the way. I have about an eighth of the painters tape on the wall where I intend to paint some stripes, a chair that needs re-upholstering, prints to frame and hang, clothes to sort and wash, and a better storage solution to find for Evie's toys that now occupy the middle of the room. That's a lot, but it wouldn't feel so overwhelming if it weren't for the fact that just about every other room in the house needs some TLC too.
On a side note, Evie is now claiming Justin as an alibi for other mysteries...when her second tennis shoe went missing this morning she exclaimed, "Daddy...tookit...Af-gan-stan." Turned out, it was actually in the kitchen.

Third time

Evie was told to smile for the camera.

Today is day #2 of deployment #3. Yesterday we dropped Justin off and began the countdown plunking off days until he's home again in a year. It's funny how some of the "deployment feelings" have been the same each time now, and some are very different. I always have this heavy, literal heartache. If you've had that feeling, you know what I mean. I always thought that was a figure of speech, but it's really not. My stomach usually feels a bit queasy when my mind wanders to the big picture of it--that he'll be away for an entire year and what that means he'll miss out on and what we'll have to do without him. But that's not how you do it--at least not how I do. I take it one day at a time, from one call to the next, happy with myself when I'm happy and strong and productive, and try not to get too down on myself when things just fall apart. They do sometimes, but isn't that the same with everyone? It just feels more lonely during deployment.

This time around, predictably, the hardest part I think is coming to terms, not with my own sense of loss, but with Justin's and Evelyn's. Our little girl just turned two and to imagine the child she will be in a year spins my head, and honestly breaks my heart. If the infrastructure is in place, which it hopefully will be, we will be able to Skype and allow for the two of them to still talk and see each other over the course of the year. Evie understands this concept and enjoys visiting with my parents via Skype, so I am hopeful it will help her cope and understand Justin's absence. As much as we've tried to explain, I can tell it just hasn't sunk in yet what this deployment thing means. Honestly, how can it? How do you explain to someone two years old that her daddy will be gone for half of the time she's been alive?

She's doing fine so far...she claimed this morning when I went in to change her diaper that "Daddy checked it" already. You might be afraid this is some kind of delusional coping mechanism, but it's just a sneaky two year old trying to get out of a diaper change. The "somebody else checked it" game started about a week ago...she first claimed to Justin that "Mommy checked it" and when he brought her in to ask me, confirming I had not, she switched gears, suggesting instead, "Bebe checked it!" You remember Bebe from The Inner Circle? She's not exactly capable of diaper changes...any more than Justin is for the next year.

Then there was this morning when Chokydar heard a noise outside the house starting her usual reaction and alerting everyone to the disturbance. Evie's eyes lit up and she exclaimed, "Daddy's home!!" with such joy, my tongue caught in my throat for a moment.

"No, honey, Daddy's not home yet. He won't be home for a long, long time, but he will come back and he loves us very much."

"He loves us VERY much," she agreed.

28 Weeks

I found a photography series via Oh Dee Doh today called The Walk to 40 Weeks by The Panic Room and felt immediately inspired and guilty.

This beautiful series chronicles one woman's pregnancy from week 16 to the birth of their son. I love the creativity of it being staged as a walk, capturing the journey aspect of a pregnancy, and I love this gorgeous woman's maternity fashion. Where, oh where, did she find these non-frumpy gems?

The guilty part comes in as today marks my 28th week with our second. With Evelyn, I faithfully took simple pictures every few weeks chronicling my growing tummy, although that was before I had returned to maintaining this blog, so they never saw the light of day. Here's me at 28 weeks with Evie:

And so, today I took a couple of quick shots to capture part of this pregnancy. I know the second child is supposed to kind of get ripped off in terms of sentimental documentation, but I hope to do a little better for the poor dear...