a girl, a guy, a tomato, a bean, and a bear

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

We're having a bad day today

When things are going bad, I have the tendency to want them to stay that way. "What?!?" you ask, "Michele, that makes no sense! Don't you want things to get better?" The real answer is, of course I do. The answer when I'm in the depths of my pity party (You're not invited, thanks, it's a party for one. I like feeling alone. And miserable. Go away, I have no friends.) is No. Life sucks. And then you die. The world is out to get me. Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I'll go eat worms.

Today just started off on the wrong foot. I was up really late last night finishing my homework for class--I'd put it off until the last minute and HAD to get it done last night. Evelyn was cranky when she woke up. She didn't want to take her nap this morning. I somehow feel a little dizzy and keep bumping into things today. I've hit my head twice already. Ouch. I haven't showered in a day. (I should be showering now, but it feels better when you're miserable to be dirty too. Don't want to do anything that might accidentally make me feel better.) The weather is super crappy and cold. We went out to run errands and of course no one was friendly. I felt fat and dirty and blech. We came home and I called the Nurse's hotline--I've been meaning to for a week now; Evie has a bit of an orangey tint to her skin that comes and goes. I don't think it's jaundice; her eyes are perfectly white and she doesn't have the other symptoms listed online for jaundice. I think it's much more likely that it's something like carotenemia but I want to make sure of course that she's okay and I'm not brushing off something serious.

Well, the nurse on the hotline said I should have her seen within 3 days. Now I feel kinda guilty because I've noticed this orangey-ness for a while now and haven't been compelled to spring into action on it. It seems to come and go and she acts normal and healthy. But I called in to get an appointment, and of course, they don't have any appointments. My options are 1)the emergency room 2)call non-stop and be on hold for the next 5 hours of my life to see if they have an opening that becomes available. I freaked out on the woman on the phone, pushed to the point of tears as Evelyn spat apricots at me and I stared blankly out the window at the gray. She gave me the number for the nurses line here in Baumholder; the other line was apparently stateside.

On top of it all, I can't help but have these huge nagging paranoid doubts about my ability to be a human being, let alone a mother. I haven't been eating that well--nothing sounds good, and I worry that Evelyn's diet isn't up to snuff or that maybe my breastmilk isn't giving her all of what she needs. I'm afraid that my lifelong food issues are going to be passed on to her.

I know it isn't as bleak as it feels right now. Thankfully, Evie has settled down for a nap, and will most likely be in a better mood when she wakes. I probably just need some more sleep myself and to go take a shower (and workout--which I haven't done in over a week!).

On a completely unrelated note, here are some pictures of Evelyn being adorable with my growing afghan:

the baby and the grannies

coming along


they make her happy too!
starting over

I like this one, mommy


arielle130 said...

Hi Michele,

Was just reading your blog and wanted to tell you not to worry. It is mostly likely carotenemia which is occurring more and more frequently in babies because of the extra fortifications they are putting into baby food. It's especially apparent on babies like evie because they have fair skin. As long as her eyes are a normal color and she's acting normally, there's nothing to worry about (though a trip to the doctor to confirm definitely wouldn't hurt).

wishing you sunshine and a happier day tomorrow!


screamy mimi said...

Thanks, Ari! That's good to hear from someone in the medical field! Yeah, I think that the carotenemia sounds likely from what I've read online, but I will take her in (and try to force them to see her!) just in case. Thanks for the happy thoughts! I do feel better. :)

Write Softly said...

I know what you mean about the bad days. When I have those days, and someone accidentally kinda makes me start to smile, I actually STOP MYSELF FROM SMILING because I WANT to be in the stupid bad mood. How dumb is that, though?! I am a smart woman, Michele. And I hang on to that bad mood like it was a lifeline of some sort.

I'm an idiot.

I'm sorry you had a rough day. If it makes you feel better, I am totally drooling over your afghan. I have never touched a piece of yarn in my life, and wouldn't know which end of a knitting needle to stab myself in the eye with, but I'm seriously hoping that you can show me how you did the squares for these. Because your afghan is that inspiring. I mean it. I think I want to learn how to knit. Or whatever it is you call what you did to make this pretty throw. :)

Hang in there.

screamy mimi said...

J, I thought my pity party problem was just my own! Often I'll talk to my mom when I'm down like that and she tries to make me feel better. I'm like, I don't want to feel BETTER! I just want to complain and wallow!!!

I can totally show you how to crochet. Making these grannies is totally addicting though, and you'll find yourself drawn to them at all free times. "Just one more..." I am wanting to re-learn how to knit too--I taught myself in 6th grade for a project (I made bookmarks for the class; not my brightest idea ever...try marking your place with a strip of chunky knit. LOL)

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